Friday, July 26, 2013

Friday Ramblings

I didn't get much done in the way of packing yesterday. I forgot how much easier it is to get stuff done when you're child free. Jacob has been sleeping over his grandparents house  a lot lately during this move and while I'm more than ecstatic to have him home again…I wasn't able to get much done.

I applied to a few jobs yesterday though. Since moving, and needing another car, my part time job is not going to suffice. Which is fine. I love being home with my son, but I really miss working too. I really enjoy working and being around other adults and using my brain.  I'm going stir crazy sitting at home. I also looked into going back to school. Again. School for me has been a very sore subject, and I'm not even going to get into that spiral of confusion, but I feel like I need to go back in order to advance my life and get the heck out of my current job. I know I've talked about school and career a few times in a past posts, and I probably sound like I need to be thrown into a loony bin, but writing out what goes through my head makes it easier for me to sort it out. But that's getting into my spiral of confusion, so I'm not going talk about that at the moment.

 I'm not thrilled at the thought of  taking out loans (I hate any sort of debt, honestly.) or even going to school for that matter,  but I think it has to be done. I'm not exactly sure what I want to do but  I would love to incorporate writing into it somehow. That's one of the reasons I have this blog, though,  so if writing doesn't become part of my career, I will be fine with it. When it comes to school and career though, I've really been thinking something along the lines of Human resources. In my job right now, I get a little taste of HR stuff  but I think it's something I can really see myself doing. I could have already known if that was something I liked but...

I knew for over a year and a half that my boss was retiring. I knew this because during one of my reviews she asked me to take her job. We had a different store manager at the time and they were all ready to give me the rundown of everything and train me.  I told her I had to think about it, and she told me she hope my answer would be yes. Unfortunately, I came up with a lame excuse as to why I couldn't take her job.   When she finally retired, I actually was encouraged by many of my coworkers and mangers to apply for her job.  Even after the position went unfilled, I was asked constantly why I wasn't going to at least apply. I considered it but ended up talking myself out of it.

 I'm not going to lie, a lot of the reason for me not applying for it was due to pure terror, and my own insecurities. I was fearful that because I had been with the company for a very long time that I'd be stuck there for good and I'd never be able to leave. I was fearful that I wasn't outgoing enough for such a people oriented job and most of all, I was afraid of  being successful at it. I know it sounds kind of strange, but I've never really been exposed to success. In a big way I feel like I don't deserve it. I don't even think I'd know what I would do if I was successful. It scares the life out of me.  I've always  wanted  to have a successful career but over the years and many experiences later, I got comfortable with the way life was. I got myself into a major rut, surrounded myself with certain types of people, and just kind of gave up and lived life the way it was.  Over the past year I've been doing a lot of thinking. Mainly about what my goals were way back when and how to go about achieving them….10 years later,  and why I left them on the side of the road somewhere on this road called "Life".

 I don’t even know if I would have gotten that job or not with all the changes the company has been thorough,  but I will never know because I let fear get in the way.  In some ways I regret it but there are a lot of things I regret in life. It doesn't make sense to dwell on it. I just am trying to learn from it and take the next step whatever that may be. The past can't be changed, but it can certainly be used as a learning experience. If we all could change our past, no one would ever move forward because there would always be something to wonder about or change. I thought I'd be further along with my life at this ripe old age of 29, but I'm not and it kind of makes me sad. Choices were made that I can't change, and rather than dwell on it I just need figure out a way to climb out of this hole. I'm trying to move forward and make my life better. It's not easy, believe me, but it will be for the best.

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