Monday, September 1, 2014

Who am I

Jacob started school last Tuesday and now it's my turn this Wednesday. I'm actually really excited. Not really nervous as I would have been in the past but I am ready for this. I am so ready to close this chapter of my my life and begin a begin a new one. I'm taking two classes but next semester once I get the financial aid straightened out I *hoping* to take at least 4. If I am able to go full time, I figured I should have only about 2-2 1/2 years to get my bachelors. Everything happened at the last minute it is both exciting and overwhelming. School is something I've always wanted to finish, but I knew if I kept waiting for the "perfect time" I probably would have talked myself out of it…yet again. I don't want to be that person anymore. So with this whole change/personal growth/rock bottom thing, THIS was the perfect time.

So, Who the heck am I? I honestly couldn't tell you…that is what I am working on figuring out.   I feel silly that at 30 I am just figuring out who I am. I feel ashamed that I never figured this out before now. I was never encouraged to be myself and always was made to feel that I was an outcast for being the way that I was or liking the things I did. After getting into a rut and hitting rock bottom I've FINALLY realizing the importance of being myself. Because if you can’t like yourself, how are you supposed to like everyone else?

Even thought I don't know exactly who I am I do know I have some likes and dislikes. Sadly, in the past I've tried to ignore my own natural inclinations to try to form into this "perfect" being that everyone would like. Instead, it backfired and made me miserable, fat, and depressed, anxious, angry because I tried to be someone that I was not. I listed the things I KNOW I like and dislike on this layout. I'll talk about a few of the major likes.

Writing/Reading. To say that I like writing is an understatement. Writing is part of my soul. It always has been. For the last 7 or so years, I lost touch with this side of me.  I don't know why I love as much as I do, but I love it & I write daily. Even thought I didn't pursue it as I originally planned (before cooking/design) I hope that I can incorporate it somehow into my career, whatever that ends up being. Reading is the same thing. From middle school until my first year at college, I used to read at least a book a week. Sometimes two, if I loved a booked and couldn't put it down. I was a chain book reader. I read anything. I love books of all kinds . Still do & I'm slowly building up my collection again. No e-books for this girl!

Hip Hop/Club Style Music. For some reason this is something I've always been embarrassed by. Not really sure why. Maybe because the people I always associated with were people who like Rock or more sophisticated music. I can't listen to that. I can't really explain it, but I just don't like it. Rock makes me angry and mad and classical/soft rock makes me sad and depressed. When I listen to hip hop or club style music it makes me feel happy, motivated and energetic. I listen to to blasting while studying or cleaning and I end up learning more or doing more. It puts a smile on my face and makes me want to dance. Which brings me to

Dancing to upbeat music. I've always told people I hate dancing. Honestly though I LOVE it. This goes back to being embarrassed and insecure. I've also told people that I hate going to clubs because I hate the atmosphere and I hate dancing. But I really love it. The two times in my life that I've been to club have been two of the most fun memorable moments in my life. Those two times though, have been when I was out of the country on my own, with people that didn't know me and I felt like I could be myself….

Good balance between standing and sitting: this one may sound strange, but this more so has to do with work. I will never be able to do a job where I'm not able to walk around or stand up or do something other sit at least for a small portion of the day. I need to be able to move. I get very antsy and lose focus. One of the [only] things I love about retail and the job I'm doing now is that I get to stand. Standing for 8 or more hours doesn't bother me one bit. I actually prefer it.

The only dislike I will explain is Drawing. I like it kind of. But if I am being completely honest with myself I don't really enjoy it. I like it only when the mood strikes. It's not something I am passionate about. And that is why when I opened my Etsy store I slowly lost interest in it and had such a difficult time coming up with ideas. It's not like I didn't try -- I'd spend hours on one little element but it never felt right. Even though I thought graphic design was right, It wasn't. I thought it was right because I wasn't listening to myself, I was listening to the noise around me. For me to fully amerce myself in something, I need to have passion for it. Drawing and graphic design isn't something I have passion for. I'm going to keep it as a side thing when the mood strikes, not as a means of livable income.

Scapbooking on the other hand, I have so much passion for and could spend all day everyday scrapbooking. I just don't enjoy creating elements. I'll take all my elements premade thank you very much.

Do you guys something that you really dislike? Or something that you're so passionate about that it feels like it's part of your soul?


  1. I love your page.
    I keep meaning to do more personal pages about myself.
    I agree with you on knowing who you are and following your passions.
    I am an avid reader and writer as well.
    If I had to choose a career at this stage of my life, I know it would be something creative…that is my passion.

  2. Lovely page to document your reflections and growth!


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