Change is hard. But Change is also good. You would think with all the changes going on in my life, I'd be overwhelmed, but I'm not. Maybe a little terrified but I am ready. For so long, I've felt so miserable and now, I finally feel that I am genuinely happy. I don't need to wear a mask anymore. I'm not going to sit here and write a post about how miserable I was, because honestly, the thoughts that went through my head, some of the things I've dealt with personally are not all that pleasant and I don't need to talk about that. I want to talk about the good. I'm not here to say I'm never going to get frustrated and have a bad day, because I will. Car broken. Remember? I'm just saying, why dwell on the bad. Fuss about it for a moment to get it out, then move on. What is dwelling going to solve. Nada.
So the good. Here are a few thing.
I lost around 80lbs! That I am super excited about. I haven't bought clothes since…god knows how long. Well…since I went on an interview but before that….I couldn't even tell you. Well, I decided to treat myself to a new outfit. To top it off…The whole thing including a pair of earring didn't cost more than $30. Gotta love the clearance! I'm such a cheapskate. :)
I have a great job that I LOVE. I was almost positive I wasn't even going to get the job based on the direction of our conversation. I left feeling slightly discouraged, but positive that this was yet another steps towards finding something right for me, and I was ready to add it to my every growing list of learning experiences. I'll have you know that when I got a call to come in again, I nearly fainted. I totally was not expecting it. It's a definitely learning experience and I will be forever grateful for being given the opportunity to learn and be part of a great company and working on a great team.
I'm going back to school. It's a bit overwhelming but it's something I've always wanted to do but with…life happening…I got confused and lost sight of myself and what I wanted. But now, I am at it full swing.
And finally: For the first time in a long time, I'm being a little bit selfish and thinking about myself. Sometimes I revert back with my thinking but I realize that if I can't be happy with myself, I'm never going to be happy with anyone else and I'm just going to repeat the same cycle of situations and nothing will ever get better.
There is definitely an area I need to work on -- like unplanned conversation. If I don't prepare myself I stumble over my words, or come across as a total flake. Like the other day when I was in the cafeteria grabbing a drink a little bit before I was leaving when this guy comes up to me and starts talking and asking questions….I just stand there blank faced like an idiot trying to think of something to say (I'm new, where I work, comment on his clothing, or his hair --he had really nice hair--lol..). Then finally he says "So, you're here after 5? You must be busy today.." and the only thing that manages to slide off my tongue is "Yeah. I'm getting a drink." I felt so stupid. Lol. And today during a conference call I was asked to introduce myself a bit….yeah…that went terribly. Oh well.
This is why I've also written out an entire phone script as well for when I'm doing the interviews on the phone. I don't necessarily read it word for word, but I use it more as a guideline for when I get stuck. A part of it is anxiety in feeling judged (there is a reason for this sadly…) I know where my it comes from so once I can figure out how to move it completely out, it'll be all good. I'm about 90% there.
In the meantime As long as I have time to prepare I'm good…put me on the spot..it's all over. I've learned to accept it, and laugh about it but I can't carry a script with me all the time. I just want to get to the point where conversations aren't so awkward and I don't need a script to appear "normal". Lol. I'm getting there!
That's all I've got. :-) Enjoy your weekend!