You know what sucks? Being stood up. Maybe I shouldn't admit this but…I finally got up the courage to go to therapy, no reason in particular because I have come a LONG way fixing myself. There were a few things that I've had been having trouble with - mainly with insecurities and having trouble opening up and connecting beyond the acquaintance level(due to experiences in the past.) Even those I've come a long way with handling myself and I've been opening up a ton lately, which has been a bit overwhelming but it hasn't been as bad as I thought. Anyway…
Well, I've been toying with the idea that maybe I should talk with someone, kind of get another perspective and mainly just encouragement and validation that I am heading in the right direction. I sorted through a bunch via emails and phone and finally found what I thought was the perfect one…most of the others that I spoke with one the phone and via email specialized in addiction, and all these things that I didn't have a problem with. Then I found one. One that deal with personal issues stemming from past experiences. It almost sounded too perfect. I made an appointment, took the morning off from work..
Well, I was stood up. The person never showed. I arrived at the office, slightly nervous, not really knowing what to expect, but I was positive. I checked in and was told "have a seat..so and so isn't here yet" So I waited. And waited. Finally after a half hour of waiting, I went back to the desk to ask for an update. Needing to get to work, I left my number at the desk and went to work. I was a little peeved to be honest. And my first few hours at work, I was a little flustered and screwed up a few thing, but it was nothing major... But it confirmed a few things for me. By the end of the day, I was feeling great.
I realized that I didn't need validation & I also realized that I know the answers. I know how I am. I know I'm different than most. I actually like the way I am. I'm unique in the sense that I don't feel the need to fit in or follow the crowd(tried that. Miserable!).. For so long I've been told being the way that I am is wrong. Recently though, I've just been being myself and have gotten positive feedback. Certain people have lost contact with because I've stopped living to please them. It feels wrong sometimes, but finally I realize that it's okay to not please everyone. I KNOW I am headed in the right direction and KNOW exactly what I need to do. I don't need anyone to tell me.I realized I am not the same person I was before. Not even close I was more irritated than feeling sorry for myself, which had this happened a few years ago, I probably would have sunk into a deep depression and thought of every possible thing I could have done wrong to make this person hate me enough that they couldn't keep the appointment. I was more irritated because I like routine, and going in late for nothing kind of screwed up my whole mindset. LolI also realized that I can't rely on anyone else to make me happy. And I realized that for the first time in a long time that I am actually happy. AND THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT! Honestly, I've been feel bad, because I feel happy. You'd think when divorce or separation or the words "alone" are brought into the picture I'd be miserable, sad and depressed… -I get sad at times. But Im in a good place. A place I should have been at before I got married. But I was young, insecure and afraid of being alone. I'm not anymore. The only thing I am afraid of is not being happy.
When I got out of work that day,I texted my sister what happened. She couldn't believe I had been stood up by a therapist. Oh well. She told me her experiences with therapy, and told me when she saw me in October, she could tell I was in the right frame of mind. I just emitted a different energy than I had before. I seemed a lot happier. I seemed more confident. Still myself, but a better version. She suggested rather than get down in the dumps, go do something that I like.
She suggested, getting my nails done, get a hair cut, dye it a different color. Well, I cut my own hair, I don't dye my hair, do my nails, or any of that other girly girl stuff. But I am very much a girly girl. I do however love clothes, but I am a cheap son of a gun and hate spending money and don't care about brand - as long as they look good. That's all that matters. I love dressing up so I was in search of a cute dress to wear to work. I headed to my Go to place, for cheap but nice clothes and found this awesome dress - ON SALE!!!
Around 9 that night, my iPhone chimed indicating I had an email. I checked it and laughed. It was from the person that stood me up. They assumed because of the snow two days ago that I couldn't have made the appointment, so they ran an errand. I just laughed and deleted the email.