Sunday, June 14, 2015

Unfinished epiphany

*excuse any weirdly formatted photos, spelling errors or typos. I am human and...well just read below. ;)* 

Positive positive computer is on the fritz. Eeek! Old Vanessa would have been freaking out but New Vanessa doesn't see the point in freaking out. There are other solutions...thank goodness for technology! 

I can utilize my cell phone, and my work computer if needed.  Plus, it works in increments...I just can't be on it for long periods of time before it crashes or tells me something is wrong with the display driver. No big deal I will get to it when I can. 

Maybe I am desensitized from my experiences in the past or maybe I just grew up and realized that most things Are not worth stressing. Who knows. I'm not saying I have no feeling whatsoever because that is not true. I'm sure I classify as a highly sensitive person. I feel. Lol. I get annoying, frustrated, sometimes i want to scream. I get get, sad, I loose confidence, I worry a lot. I think a lot. I also love. I don't like to upset people, I feel what they feel and understand every point of view. I
I just tend to look at things in a more positive light now. I don't really expect much anymore and just go with the flow and have hope that things don't stay bad forever. Things do get better! That I know. Struggles make you stronger and they help you grow. I know they have for me. 

I'm going to stop now before I go into speech mode...I sort of had an epiphany over the weekend - let me tell you, I seem to be having a lot of these lately- this one wasn't necessarily a 'hit in the face with a brick' moment but it was more of a 'sit back in in your chair, cross your legs and stroke your chin in deep thought' moments.

I actually had a talk with someone on Friday and this person didn't say anything earth shattering. It was just kind of the conversation I needed to have. I actually only asked a simple question. As I started saying something in context of our convo then it hit me...

I am an avoider. I don't finish stuff. And I set myself up to fail rather than enhance on my strengths. I'm not afraid of failing. Quite the opposite actually. Failing I am excellent at. Being good at something is what I am  I am afraid of. I know why. I feel/felt that no matter what I do I will never be good enough,  Because I was ALWAYS compared to others.  Nothing I ever did was good enough. I was never encouraged to have a personality of my own - and when I tried I was shot down. I know am an adult now but when these things are ingrained in you from a young age it's a process to fix. 

I am midway through the process. It's scary. It's overwhelming but I am coming out of this better than ever. I'm gonna finish stuff. I'm gonna do what I want to do and I'm just going to be me. 

I have a bunch of unfinished projects that I am going to finish! Last night with my computer on the fritz I sat down an actually finished one project! Stay tuned to see!

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