Monday, September 14, 2015

Ramblings: Impulse & why I dyed my hair

Ok, so yeah - I am not an impulsive person at all. I weigh every decision I make, big or small, by the pros and cons and by asking myself questions about each option. You don't want to be me. I promise you. This brain of mine never shuts off.

I over think - something I am working on and have toned down a lot. It is what it is. I do have a few moments where I do let go, dont think and do something crazy. Some I won't talk about, some I will - Like my impulse moment a few weeks ago a few weeks ago at Walmart. 

I went there to pick up 1 thing. I can assure you that I don't even remember what that one thing was and ended up leaving with a pile of stuff, including hair dye.  I've always just kept my natural color, for those of you that don't think hair dye is a big deal. I don't dye my hair. I always thought I'd regret it.

I had to take a detour down that aisle because the other aisles I wanted to go down were blocked. I wanted to go so I stopped for a second and thought. "What the hell. What is another change?" I picked a box without even  thinking or looking at the color and headed towards the checkout.I was having a bad day and I didn't even feel like thinking.

I didn't even think about it even when I got home. I put my stuff away and within10 minutes I started the process. I prepped the bathroom, put on junky clothes, grabbed a towel, sectioned off my hair, mixed the color and I was good to go. I had a minor moment of "oh crap. What am I doing?!?" But that passed because I was already at the point of no return. After I showered I trimmed a couple inches off, then took a blow dryer to it and styled it. I had a slight moment again where I was regretting it but all in all I really like the color. 

Why did I do it? In all honesty, I'm sick of being me sometimes. Thing is, I am not me; I am the me that I think everyone expects me to be. I'm sick of being the girl that always does everything right. I'm sick of waiting for everyone's approval. I'm sick of worrying what everyone else thinks of me. I'm sick of not being taken seriously because of the way I come across. I'm just so sick of a lot of things and that day I had enough. 

Not that I think my hair color is going to change my life in a dramatic way by any means but it's a start to becoming me - the real me. I don't talk about it but I had a very weird marriage. John and I were both completely broken from us both growing up with different forms of emotional neglect and abuse. I was always made to feel that being me was wrong, so I spent a huge portion of my life trying to form myself to please everyone, and doing no wrong. It left me very confused..if you didn't notice by some of my past post, lol.  He spend his whole life being negative thinking the world had some sort ulterior motive against him -   That is what brought us together and made us completely miserable people together, shutting out everyone, giving up on everything including friends, goals and life in general, and just existing through life being miserable people. John is not a bad person, we still get along, we still co-parent Jacob, but The fact that I am the only one that wanted change was what brought me to want a divorce. I couldn't take the negativity and living a sheltered life anymore. We have different goals, views on life and are just at different stages in our lives. .My life was not reflecting my vision in any way and I knew I needed to change that, even if I had to go at it alone. (yes I tried to fix it. I gave it a few years so divorce was not an impulse decision)

Change is tough...change sucks actually. But I am learning. I'm learning that change isn't all that bad; a risk or two can actually be very positive.  I'm learning that it's ok to be me. (Whoever the heck that is...) I have a choice and what I think matters. I'm learning a lot. 

I'm also learning that I really like being a brunette.

1 comment:

  1. Your hair looks great! Change can be hard, but also good :)


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